We all know that things look strange in the night. Stranger. They look like they looked today at the beach in full sunlight. It wasn’t full sunlight because the sea mist was heavy and dulled the glare. For a few minutes I lay on my stomach with my head under a hat. The others were swimming. I was thinking of you. It was like a nightmare – the idea of your reactions to what I said that night. The looks you gave me, the tricks and deceits you go through now. The way you avoid me. The worst things occur to me first. The more I think, the worse I feel. I plunge deeper and deeper into your hatred of me, your lack of understanding and compassion. It’s overwhelming. I deal myself blows you could never muster. I kill myself with the idea of your cruelty.

And suddenly I take the hat off and sit up. Everything’s okay, I’m exhausted but around me it’s

all normal again. Like night and then day. But now night. I remember Joanne saying she was at the beach somewhere today too. At the pool where I walked without my glasses. I was wondering if I’d see you, Jo, but instead of not seeing you, I didn’t see Joanne. I’m sorry I missed her. Though she was saying today that she’s had a hectic rash of coincidences lately. I know how she feels. I knew how she felt. Now. My imagination is running on, now that it’s night. Real night, not like a waking nightmare. Just Insomnia from smoking too many cigarettes.

The thoughts of you rush in again. And as I try to sleep some people arrive in the street below. A man with your cough and a woman with a velvety voice which carries. She’s with you. You’ve come to repeat the episode when we first met again and call my name outside my window. I go out onto the balcony and look down. You’re drunk and laughing. You introduce me to your girlfriend. She’s pretty and blond, you ask me to admire her but I don’t. I say she’s a creep to be a party to this and that I don’t care for you at all. Even though I asked you to marry me, I could forget you in an instant and will.

I come inside and close the door but you’re still railing at me. It’s embarrassing, the whole street wakes up. I hear your car arrive, the band brake pulled on, the door slamming. You come and call out my name. I go out and you start this tirade about my desire to marry you. You wave a flagon in one hand and squeeze your pretty blond girlfriend in the other. I quickly assess the situation and say I’ll go inside which I do and call the police who question me closely as though I’m the criminal. I think of the dope and all the crimes I could’ve committed which they’ll hit me with as a routine matter. I hear your car door slam and your cough, then a velvety voice I didn’t expect to hear. It gives me a shock, it’s low and soft but carries so well. I hate it. You call out. I go onto the balcony and you’re already completely hysterical and waving a flagon in one hand. You unzip your fly and show me your erection. You start fucking your girlfriend as though she’s a doll bobbing up and down on you. You scream at me – You think I can’t fuck a woman, what’s this? You think I’m impotent?

I’m disgusted and run inside. But they keep going on screaming. It’s a nightmare. I get up and go onto the balcony and look at all the quiet cars. Your car isn’t there.